Omen of the Stars 7: Sue Clan
by StupidSequel
Summary: A direct sequel to The Last Hope. After being allowed to make decisions again thanks to someone filling in for Spottedleaf, ThunderClan changes its name to SueClan. After chaos and insanity ensues, a kittypet teaches them a shocking truth about StarClan.


**Warriors: Omen of the Stars 7- Sue Clan**

**WARNING: Contains major Last Hope spoilers. Proceed with caution! This takes place right after The Last Hope.**

Sandstorm padded over to Firestorm's lifeless body. She was crying not because her mate was dead, but because the authors made his death seemingly random and unclear. "I don't know if it was the tree that killed you or not."

Back in ThunderClan camp, every cats' brain was turning to dust without Spottedleaf to act as their decision making autopilot.

"I wanna say that I am glad that Spottedleaf is dead so there's no more of her filthy Mary Sue shit poisoning ThunderClan, but now my brain feels dusty." Squirrelflight said in between French kisses at Bramblestar. "I wanna have kits, but I can't decide if we should or not. After raising the Two plus Hollyleaf as if they were our own, I kinda think we should possibly, but maybe I should flip a coin to decide. Problem is, I can't decide if I should flip a coin to decide that or not, so maybe I should think about if I want to flip a coin to decide if I should flip a coin to decide if we should have kits. Problem is, I can't decide that, so... Aw my StarClan!"

"We NEED someone to fulfill Spottedleaf's role as 'official Mary Sue decision maker.'" Bramblestar pressed. "Let all cats old enough to catch their own prey join here beneath the Highledge for a Clan meeting!" Bramblestar's words thundered into the hollow. The whole of ThunderClan did as instructed.

"Ever since we lost Spottedleaf's spirit to the Dark Forest, no one has ever been able to make any decisions since she was our official brain feather duster." Lionblaze was looking down, dejected. _I should be deputy and then leader._

The Clan meeting was interrupted by Jayfeather hurtling his way into the Clan meeting. "I just got yet another prophecy from StarClan. I swear to Starclan if I get anymore of these StarClan damn prophecies, I'm going to become a Christian!" The whole of ThunderClan paused to listen.

"Four will become five to battle the dust left when the sixth dies. I think this dusty feeling in our brains and the lack of Spottedleaf might be what this prophecy is talking about."

"Right. So if the sixth is Spottedleaf, hmmm. Who else did anything important in the Final Battle?" Bramblestar was struggling to remember. It wasn't easy to remember much with a dusty brain.

"Well, I was a spy in the Dark Forest," Ivypool chimed in. "Without me, we would have been *BEEP*ed."

"Yes, but how can you be a decision making Mary Sue while still alive? Spottedleaf was dead." Jayfeather put in.

"Easy. I kill myself. Someone put death berries on the fresh kill pile."

"But I don't want you to die." Dovewing said to Ivypool.

"Relax, sis. If the author is inattentive enough, he might accidentally write me back to life. I'm not scared. Remember Heavystep? Also, Rowanclaw being androgynous?" Ivypool had made her point. The Clan meeting was at an end. Ivypool went out into the forest for death berries. When she found some, she picked them off and put them in her cute little mouth. _I'm counting on you, the author, to accidentally write me back to life in case, by some chance, I am not the cat the prophecy is talking about. _Ivypool died. When she went up to StarClan, she met Hollyleaf.

"Oh hey. How's life goin for ya?"

"Great." Hollyleaf replied back.

"So... any Mary Sues here? Or could I be one?" Hollyleaf looked at Ivypool as if her nose randomly fell off.

"What's a Mary Sue?" Hollyleaf asked, tipping her cute little head to one side.

"A perfect character who nobody likes. Spottedleaf was one. So does anyone think I'm a Mary Sue?"

"No." Hollyleaf ansrd bak.

"Fox dung!" No, Ivypool, I, the author, still remember you being dead.

"All spirits join here beneath the mound of caviar for a StarClan meeting," Bluestar called. All the remaining warriors of StarClan gathered at the base of the caviar hill to hear what Bluestar had to say.

"Since we lost Spottedleaf in the Dark Forest battle thingie, no one has taken on the niche of acting as a second brain to all the living cats down below, so their brains are literally gathering dust as we speak. If no one is willing to step up soon, then they will literally know nothing at all, and that would be no fun at all. They cannot make decisions at all anymore."

"I'll do it." It was Hollyleaf. "I have to do everything I can to make up for sending Ashfur to the Shadow Realm, even if that means being miss Perfect Princess shitting rainbows."

Now that Hollyleaf has taken Spottedleaf's Mary Sue role, the Clan can make decisions at all, and the plot can move along. They haven't done anything at all in about three moons.

Lionblaze hated Squirrelflight not because she lied about being his mother, but because he felt that he should be rightful deputy. _I am basically invincible. I would lose all nine lives when hedgehogs fly. He only picked her because she was his mate and wants to love her again. Eff dat! ThunderClan needs a leader that is basically immortal. Like having the philosopher's stone on me at all times. _Firestar's body still lay there. Lionblaze scraped off the former ThunderClan leader's pelt with his Chuck Norris claws and painted it brown with black stripes. He also scratched it up and tore one ear into a V shape. It now looked like Tigerstar's pelt. _Bingo._

That night when everyone was asleep, Lionblaze slipped on the painted Firestar pelt onto Squirrelflight and duct taped it firmly in place.

When everyone got up the next morning, Lionblaze was "warning" everyone.

"TIGERSTAR CAME BACK TO LIFE AND ATE SQUIRRELFLIGHT!" Lionblaze was feigning a frightened look on his cute little handsome face. The whole Clan looked in horror. It was indeed true. Their old arch enemy Tigerstar was indeed back from the dead, but only Lionblaze knew the truth.

"Dad?" Bramblestar was shocked. "But I thought both Firestar and Scourge defeated you!"

"No, it's me, Squirrelflight, you idiot!"

"No, you ate Squirrelflight! You can't fool me. I'm not stupid!" Bramblestar spat back.

"Yeah, you did eat Squirrelflight, you crazy psycho bitch!" Lionblaze spat.

"Time to finish what Firestar and Scourge failed to do!" With that, Bramblestar leapt up onto "Tigerstar" and bit "his" throat as hard as possible. "Tigerstar" lay there yowling in agony, choking on "his" own blood.

"Whelp, since all that probably remains of Squirrelflight now is Tigerstar's poop that he ain't neva gonna poop out, I guess it's time to pick a new deputy."

Clan meeting time!

"Lionblaze will be my new deputy. He is a great fighter. Show them how great a fighter you are, Lionblaze."

Lionblaze grabbed his nipples with his claws while scooting on the floor on his butt. He was shouting "Oh Long Johnson" repeatedly.

"He's Faith Taylor Swifting Oh Long Johnsoning. Oh my StarClan, Lionblaze, look out!" Bramblestar screeched. A train was coming in Lionblaze's direction. Lionblaze faced the train head on and sprang forward with unsheathed claws. He leaped onto the freight train and clawed it viciously. The train growled in agony. There was blood gushing out of the train's wounds. Lionblaze bit the train hard on its face. The train engine fell over, defeated. Lionblaze dragged the train over to the fresh kill pile. Every cat clapped.

"I'm glad Squirrelfag is dead. Lionblaze is so much cooler! Cooler than Firestar even!" Cloudtail said without hesitation.

"Yeah. I hope he becomes Lionstar!" Graystripe said.

"Lionstar! Lionstar!" The whole of ThunderClan began chanting.

Some of the cats gathered around the fresh kill pile. They began eating up the train. It tasted like keyboards and Crisco. The bramble narrowed its pelt.

One day Bramblestar had to go see Jayfeather in the medicine den because he had too many doses and was starting to get an attraction.

"There. You're cured now," Jayfeather declared. "And just so you know, I actually did murder Flametail. I hated that guy." Bramblestar nodded and went outside. I said, AND BRAMBLESTAR NODDED AND WENT OUTSIDE! He couldn't because Lionblaze was blocking Bramblestar's way out.

"See these death berries? Either you eat them, or I'll make you." Lionblaze threatened. Bramblestar's countenance revealed an unreadable emotion. "I've killed once and I can do it again."

"Lionblaze." Bramblestar began. "I've lost my calling as a medicine cat, my kits, and the only cat who ever loved me. Which do you think would be easier, to go on living or for me to let you kill me?" Lionblaze stepped aside. He silently followed Bramblestar and pounced on him, clawing him into a bloody pulp that looked like a Kool-Aid smoothie. No cat noticed because they were all too busy eating the train on the fresh kill pile.

The Clan finally began questioning what happened to Bramblestar. Lionblaze told them:

"He was captured by aliens who came by and picked him up in a tractor beam and auctioned him off to live out the rest of his days as a sex slave." Lionblaze lied. The Clan believed him, no questions asked. "So now I can be Lionstar now."

Lionstar came back from the MoonPool with his nine lives. Or, shall I say, one infinite life?

"Let all cats who are old enough to..." yadda yadda. All the cats joined in record time.

"From now on, ThunderClan will no longer be known as "ThunderClan." From this day on, "ThunderClan" will be forever known as "SueClan" because we are the only Clan that matters. If ThunderClan was the only Clan, nothing would change."

"ShadowClan is always trying to take some of our land. Ain't they ever heard the song 'This Land is your Land, this land is My land?"

"Exactly. That is why we must kill every cat from every Clan. So are you gonna send a battle patrol or..." Squirrelflight suggested.

"Oh, Dark Forest no! I'm barging out there alone to face every one of those Clan cats. I can't die!"

"So who will you appoint as deputy?" Squirrelflight asked once more.

"Deputy? What's the need for a deputy when you're invincible?"

"Oh yeah! You got a point there." Squirrelflight finally admitted.

Up in StarClan, Bluestar was staring down at ThunderClan wistfully.

"Us dammit! I knew we should have taken away the Three's powers after the Dark Forest went down, down, down." The words 'down' were auto-tuned and sung exactly like in 'You Spin my Head Right Round' and 'Circle the Drain.'

Lionstar looked up and... realized it was a full moon. "Crap! Gathering tonight! I plum forgot!" Lionstar led his Clan to the island. The other cats were there. Instead of Blackstar, there was Rowanclaw.

"Oh, hey Rowanclaw, the androgynous little-" Lionstar greeted.

"RowanSTAR now!" Rowanstar corrected. The Gathering began. Lionstar spoke first.

"ThunderClan is now known as SueClan." The other three leaders burst out laughing.

"SueClan? U mad bro? SueClan is a stupid name for a Clan."

"Are you mouse brained? It's a perfect name. It was ThunderClan that had that faggy ass Power of Four prophecy. It was ThunderClan that had that Green Lantern ring Gary Stu kittypet Fiasta whose kin of his kin would rival StarClan. It was ThunderClan that had Spottedleaf who was responsible for bringing back Heavystep so he could later flatten his ears, but now Hollyleaf has taken her role. StarClan, I wish the other three Clans could be as important as SueClan." The Gathering broke apart.

Next morning Dovewing decided to cast her senses to the other Clans like she does every morning just to wake herself up.

"We must do anything possible to make sure that we are the most important Clan."

"Hey, I just thought of something. Lionstar is kin of Firestar's kin, right? But he's married to Cinderheart. So we should send a female medicine cat to mate with him in his sleep."

"If they try to do anything to stop us, we'll call the ACLU."

She tried to cast her senses into the Dark Forest. Nothing. The Dark Forest was officially defeated. Now where were dead cats who committed a lifetime of evil deeds supposed to go? StarClan? _Wow, we can all do whatever we want now! I'd better tell everyone! _She cast her senses over into RiverClan.

"I kinda like Lionstar. He's so... macho," she heard Mothwing say. "I'm heading over to SueClan to mate with him whether Cinderheart likes it or not." There was rustling in the brambles. It was Mothwing.

"Where's Lionstar? I have to tell him something important!" Mothwing demanded. Dovewing cast her senses.

"He's... oh, right behind me." Mothwing turned to Lionstar.

"You're going hunting with me and you ain't gonna give me any guff about it."

"Okay." Lionstar shot his tail straight up in the air. "I think Cinderheart is on her period. She's been a real bitch to me lately."

"Take care," Dovewing called to them.

"Hold on, Mothwing. Before we have, you know, coitus, I'd better ask Cinderheart if it's okay." Lionstar padded over to Cinderheart.

"Mothwing wants to have coitus with me. Is it okay if I cheat on you?"

"Sure." Cinderheart agreed.

"Thanks, mate," Lionstar called to her as he left to go find Mothwing. "She says it's okay if I cheat on her to have coitus with you."

"Excellent," Mothwing said in a manner exactly like Mr. Burns.

"Oh yeah, I was gonna destroy all the Clans because I am awesome liek dat" he said while having coitus with Mothwing. Next he had coitus with the medicine cats from the other three Clans (yes, including Jayfeather, or should I say, Gayfeather?) While he was just beginning to have coitus with Jayfeather, he realized something. He desisted.

"What the hell am I doing? You're already kin of Firestar. Therefore, this is pointless." Lionstar forgot something, but he forgot what. Oh yeah. Now he remembered.

"Now I must destroy all the other Clans because SueClan must rule the lake!" Lionstar laughed in a sinister kind of way. Unfortunately he had no idea how to go about that without breaking the warrior code and without anyone noticing. "Technically it isn't breaking the warrior code if I ask them permission and they say 'yes.'" He knew that the next Gathering would be the only chance he'd ever have of asking them. But that was such a long way away. But he was patient, so why did that matter?

Next Gathering Lionstar spoke first because his patience had come to an end.

"Rowanstar, Mistystar, and Onestar. May I please destroy your Clans against your will so SueClan can rule the forest?" Lionstar asked while giving the sad puppy eyes.

"NO!" All three Clan leaders said in unison exactly like Chuggaaconroy's epic "NO." So much for plan A-Z. Why did I say plan A-Z? Because Lionstar was so confident his plan would work, there were no backup plans.

"Lionstar! Don't give up so easily! According to my spidey sense, there is no more Dark Forest, which means we can pretty much do whatever we want," someone shouted from the crowd. It was Dovewing. Lionstar's belly was beginning to swell to ginormous proportions.

"Lionstar is so fat, when he dies even his spirit will be too heavy to make the journey to StarClan." A RiverClan tom joked.

"That shit's not funny. You know that's what happened to Heavystep, right?"

When ThunderClan got back, Lionstar had to go see Jayfeather.

"Hi Gay- I mean, Jayfeather." Lionstar greeted his brother. Jayfeather felt Lionstar's belly.

"I think you're expecting kits," Jayfeather diagnosed.

"But that's impossible. I'm a tom cat. Toms don't have kits. Do they?"

"Anything is possible in SueClan," Jayfeather replied.

"Oh yeah," Lionstar suddenly realized.

Finally Lionstar had his kits. Two she-cats, to be precise. As for their pelt and eye color, why should I care? It's never consistent anyways.

News spreads like wildfire, and the rest of the Clans weren't too happy about not having the kits that Lionstar had, therefore not having kin of Firestar's kin in their Clan to pass on the Sue-ness.

"Oh Long Johnson. Oh Long Johnson," Reedwisker chanted.

"What are you doing?"

"Meming. If you meme enough times, a train will come out of nowhere and annihilate everything in its path." Sure enough, a train came out of nowhere. All the other Clans began to catch on, and meme until there were trains coming from all directions. It was like the most epic game of dodgeball ever. Dovewing cast her senses. A Dark Forest appeared. She gasped in horror.

"I was wrong. Our raping of the warrior code is bringing back the Dark Forest!" Dovewing realized. Out of nowhere, a strange cat appeared among them.

"So it's happened. Follow me," he demanded. The whole of ThunderClan got the message instantly, for he was a cat that had that "SHUT UP AND DON'T YOU QUESTION ME, BITCH!" tone and look. The strange cat did the same thing to the other three Clans and led them to the island. The strange cat sat in front of the mass of cats and sat on a branch. He began to speak.

"Clan cats, you are in grave danger, not of the Dark Forest coming back, but of going to hell for all eternity. My name is Stitch, and I am a kittypet from far away. I grew up as a Christian, and so I was taught to believe in an Almighty God, Creator of all life, Earth, and the universe. He sent His son Jesus Christ to die on the cross so you would not have to go to hell for your sins. If you can free yourself from sin and obey God's ten commandments, you will find eternal life in heaven." The mass of cats stared at him confused.

"I was always taught to believe in StarClan, and so was every cat else here, except Mothwing and Cloudtail. I can be rest assured that my dead ancestors are peacefully residing in StarClan." Lionstar said to Stitch.

"Negatory," Stitch said in response. "There is no StarClan. There is no Dark Forest. It's all an illusion formed by Satan to trick you into thinking there's no need to believe in God. Both things are actually limbo."

"But the Dark Forest battle! That seemed so real." Millie half gasped.

"Holograms." Stitch said.

"So Hollyleaf and Firestar died from holograms?"

"Yup. And since cats from both the Dark Forest and StarClan eventually are forgotten and fade into nothingness, where do you think they went considering they did not accept Christ as their Lord and personal Savior? That's right! Spottedleaf, Mapleshade, and other cats who faded into nothingness are burning in hell for all eternity right now! And Firestar, Bluestar, Blackstar, and others will eventually join them because they did not believe in God. It is too late for them to repent."

Thanks to the kittypet's wise words, the Clans abandoned the warrior code and had to study the Bible. They did not want any more cats to burn in hell forever.


End file.
